I have a bad past- when do I tell her?
April 14, 2011 in Advice about Relationships, Guys want to know
Okay, I have a past.. a bad one… I’ve been seeing this girl, and i really like her. However I have some bad shit in my past, when do i, or do i tell her? Any chance I can keep my past, in the past?
Hm.. I have always lived on the edge and have so much crap going on in my past.. if I had to tell all, I would be talking for 10 years..
Think it depends on what it is about. If it is really serious, I would tell, for it is a part of who you are, it made you who you have become. I have no regrets, just lessons learned. And if a man can’t live with stuff in the past, he can go elsewhere. One that really cares will try to understand and live with it. Maybe even try to help coping with it if you have not already. But I don’t think a partner needs to know ALL that happened. It is also permitted to have some things to yourself. I would tell what I think matters to the partner.
Better to tell her; I take it the relationship seems to be getting serious, and by talking to her about it, you show you trust her. Things do come back and come out, and you can have her on your side instead of her being hurt and wondering why you hid things from her if some troubles arise from your past. She’ll probably love you more for knowing you have done what it took to change your life; that takes strength and character.
Everyone has a past. Don’t be afraid of it.
If she is a girl worth anything you have to start off right. Tell her, be honest, and let the chips fall where they will.
man, id keep the past in the past!
No chance of keeping the past in the past. – none-
A lot of different advice here. I think that, in general, the woman is going to find out with enough time or so forth. Don’t immediately tell her where you buried the body, but also don’t wait 3 years to tell her that you’re running from the cops. Running from the cops is a 2nd date kind of thing. Bipolar? 2nd date. Federal for 5 years? Within the first month. How long will it take before she finds out on her own? Tell her a good amount of time before then.
Depending on who you are and what you’ve done, it’s entirely likely that you’ll scare her away. Slowly let the cat out of the bag that you ran a cult in California and it might be a bit better after she knows you’re a nice guy.
Time it right, make sure she feels the same way about you. Tell her the truth.We always find out..ALWAYS. So, its best you tell her the truth.
well, kiss your girl goodbye then..lol
solid answer, Thanks N. Starr
I say be upfront at the start. I have a shady past and I have found that guys respect me more when I tell them near the start of everything. I would expect the same.
Wait until things get more serious and you are sure she likes you/you like her.
Make sure she’s the type of girl you want to spend time with/get serious about.
good luck.
depending on how long you are together with your sweety, duh tell her. BE HONEST!!!
I’d wait a minute. Figure out exactly how bad it is. You killing a person? Might want to keep that to yourself. Going to federal for 5 years? Be upfront. Mental illness? Give it a couple dates. Essentially, it’s just a sliding scale and it also depends on the person. I have things that I wouldn’t tell a partner, you might do, too.
I am so glad I posted tonight…i have alot to think about tonight..
Muscles I relate to you on this one. I have a very rocky past in some parts of it. That’s a crap burden to bear especially when going into a new relationship. How I see it (as a female) is that its best to lay all the cards out on the table from the start. It shows your interest it lets her know that you want things to work with her and your letting it all out. It also opens up a really good door. It let’s her know you trust her enough with your past that if she is hiding something dirty (which most of us are) that she can tell you and you won’t judge her to harshly for it. Also it let’s her know that you are honest and thats a big thing with most women is honesty. The trick to telling her is tact. You have to be very careful about how you present your past to her. Don’t just dump it on her and expect a nice reaction. Try starting with something like “I have something to tell you, that you need to know about me.” and follow up with “It’s nothing major it’s just some really stupid stuff i did when i was younger and i just want you to know in case it ever comes up.” this way she knows your about to dump some serious stuff on her and she has fore warning to prepare herself. Also it lets her know that you are able to admit your faults.
Couldn’t have said it better Erynn! You will have to tell her. If you don’t and she somehow finds out, she will probably leave. I love honesty above everything.
Wait for it to be serious before you go baring your soul. Make sure she wants something longer term before telling ehr anything. And then you’re going to have to tell her. Relationships are based on good communication and good understanding, and neither of those can be had while you’re trying to hide something. If she knows you and thinks you’re worth a shot, that likely won’t stop if you have a ‘look, I’ve had some bad shit in my past and I think it’s only fair that I tell you’ talk. It WILL stop if a friend of yours says something stupid while drunk and she finds out like that. Maybe she searches for your e-mail online and finds something. There’s ways the past can bite you in the arse. Clean air means if it does, it won’t cause a bump in your relationship. It also extends a trust to her which indicates to her that you are doing more than casually dating.